What Now?

How can a fabulous weekend end on such a sour note? It feels as if my long, happy holiday weekend has been tainted by events that happened last night. I just want the weekend to happen again, slower this time, and end on a good note. Happy, not miserable. 

I'm literally at a loss right now and all I can do is write about it. Which I don't even know will be possible since I'm not 100-percent convinced that I'll be able to put all my feelings and thoughts into coherent sentences. 

Let's start off with the good, shall we? 

Friday: Took the day off work, went golfing with friends. Hung out with friends, ate pizza, drank, played COD and watched football during some crazy thunderstorms. 

Saturday: Hung out with a friend, did a couple photo shoots with her. Went to the Big Sean concert, which was great except for the audience of scantily-clad, "I remember my first beer" drunk high-schoolers. We left early. 

Sunday: Drove a friend to Canada. Had breakfast, relaxed. Went to a family birthday, which was awesome. Came home, relaxed some more, went to see Elysium. 

Monday: Woke up, boyf made pancakes. Went to friend's house for a BBQ party. Played games, drank, ate and swam all day. Bad things happened. Night ruined. 

Short and sweet, right? 

The bad thing that happened was a fight with my boyfriend. A fight that never should have happened in the first place, except he's incapable of talking through things and handling things like an adult. 

He was pouting in a chair while we were all swimming. He couldn't go in because of his new tattoo, so I totally understood if he was a little sad about not being able to join in the fun. I get out and come talk to him. He gets a pissy attitude about how he was things to do, how he does everything and whatever else. I get upset, give him my keys and tell him to leave. I go into the house to take a breather. Come back out and find that he has taken my car and left me at the party. 

Why couldn't he have maturely came and told me that there were things we needed to take care of? I really don't know. 

His phone was broken, so I had no way of getting ahold of him. Text his dad to find out he's at his parent's house. I go home after a while (he left my keys in my car's gas tank) and go to bed - on a bed with no sheets because he took them. I have no idea if he's coming home or not. He wakes me up late when he finally returns home and I'm incapable of sleeping for the rest of the night. 

We finally talked a little bit this morning when he came and acted like nothing was wrong. He starts making excuses for everything and blaming me for last night. He won't take responsibility for anything... ever. I am always the bad guy. Anyway, I start crying which in turn, makes him start spitting out fake apologies for things he was just saying he didn't do/weren't his fault. I leave for work and have yet to hear from him today.

My question is: At what point do you give up? How many chances can you give someone to change?  How long do you have to work on things before you realize, and accept, that they're just not working? 

We can be so happy one moment, and then so awful the next. How does that happen? Where is this magical little switch that gets turned off so easily? Is that how real relationships are? You love someone a lot, then the next day, you question everything? Or is that just how I am. Or how we are? 

Did I mention tomorrow is our 2-year anniversary? Happy Anniversary to us. 

But seriously, I don't know where to go from here. I just want to be able to handle things like mature adults. I want him to talk to me and be open. I want to know how he's feeling. I want him to realize that he's being selfish. I want to have someone that truly cares about me and my life. I want him to realize that he's losing me. 

I'm just at a loss, folks. And I'm completely lost. 

"You live in this safe little world where no one challenges you, and you’re scared shitless to do anything else because that might mean you’d have to change."


- A