Guy Code According to a Girl

So I started this post yesterday (if you can't tell). Let's just pretend that I didn't get too busy to finish it and that it was posted on Monday. Deal? Deal. 
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That lame day is back; the one we all hate a little bit on the inside and don't fail to complain about on the outside. Monday. 

Today, it's a particularly gloomy, rainy, blah day which only makes the thought of Monday that much worse. Who wants to be productive when the thought of curling up in a ball on the couch with blankets, junk food and Netflix sounds so much more appealing?

This Monday is made worse because I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. Ain't nobody for time for bleeding gums. And that's a fact. 

Anyway, this weekend I found myself thinking about silly things us girls do when it comes to guys. And by silly, I mean straight up wrong. This includes things we do that are just plain stupid, things we say that we actually think will have some sort of effect and things we convince ourselves will happen just because we hope they will. 

Basically, us girlfriends of the world aren't as smart as we think we may be. Shocker. I know.

#1. Telling a guy how fat you feel. I'm guilt, but really, why do we do this? What do we think is the end result by divulging this little factoid to the opposite sex? By saying it, we may get a compliment or two or we'll get called "stupid" for thinking/believing it, but all it does is make guys feel awkward about our seemingly-false girly insecurities. Sure, we may think we're having a fat day after that cheeseburger we devoured last night, but do guys classify us as fat afterwards? Do the scales break after one little treat? Nope. And guys just really don't want to hear about our insecurities. 

1A. Also playing into this one, is the "I'm so ugly" comment. Keep it to yourselves or with              your girlfriends, ladies. Easier said than done, but if you stop projecting yourself in a                negative fashion and putting yourself down, you could possibly start to feel more                      confident. 

#2. Change can't happen instantly. I've written about this more times than I can count. We tell a guy numerous times that something bothers us, he says he'll change/work on it, and then we expect that little miracle to happen instantly. Which it won't. Ever. Change is hard. Guys are stubborn. Expect that it'll take some time, some fighting and some effort. If he won't change something that's seriously serious, then get the hell out of there! 

#3. Errands. Most guys don't like running 10 million errands. Yes, you may have that return you have to make, then that thing you have to go buy and that other thing you have to pick up, but while it may be super productive for you and a great way to spend some time together, he doesn't see it that way. 

#4. He's not a mind reader. Most people think that others should just read their minds and know what is wanted (ahem, girls). We're all guilty of this, and we all need to grow the eff up. Guys don't usually know what you want unless you come right out and say it. Hell, the general population, your family and your friends don't know what you need/want unless you open your mouth! So speak up: say why you're mad, say what's bothering you, say what you want, say what makes you happy. It'll be beneficial for the both of you. 

#5. Other girls. Once again, I'm totally guilty of this, but making snarky comments about how your boyfriend is into/likes/has a crush on/can't get over another girl will do nothing beneficial for either of you. You'll keep believing it, which makes you emotional, he'll get upset at you for thinking it, and if you keep pushing the issue, it might even become true or ruin the relationship entirely. However, if something extra weird is going on, have a calm conversation addressing your concerns. Or if you're dating a total player/cheater: KBYE.

#6. Ding-dong ditched. Don't ditch your girlfriends for your guy. Ever. End of story.

#7. "Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?" You're mad about something and he glosses over it like it's nothing, which only makes you more upset. This is because guys usually don't understand what is making your blood boil, especially when it comes to the little things. If they can't understand it, they'll apologize to make you not angry and then move on. But you're still sitting there steaming, unable to let go of the feeling that nothing has been solved. So do your best to explain how you're feeling and let him know why it bothers you. Also, this leads into...

#8. Do you understand anything? Guys do not understand the way a girl's mind works. Once you accept and come to terms with that, you'll be able to let little shit go and be happier.

#9. Grow up, dude. Telling a guy to grow up is about as helpful as watering the ocean. Notorious for being immature until they hit the ripe old age of, say, 30, guys won't grow up until they either get married, have kids or are forced to. So just accept the nonsense and pray to Hera that he grows out of it. 

#10. Don't care what you wear. Guys really do not care what you wear unless you're making the idiotic decision to wear a bathing suit to a bar. They don't know which option looks better, nor do they know which earrings look best with which outfit. If we actually believe that, we are kidding ourselves. They might like how our boobs look in something, but let's be serious, that's about it.

#11. Ask and you shall not receive. Ask him to stop making terrible jokes; he probably won't. Ask him to stop making fun of that one friend of yours; he'll keep doing it. Ask him to stop tickling you before you kick him in the head; not a chance. I'm realizing that this one may just be my stubborn-ass boyfriend. He doesn't listen all that well. 

So there you go. Other facts include "Are you listening to me?" - nope, he's not - "What were you thinking?" - he wasn't - and "Why can't you remember anything?" - because he's a guy. 

Believe me, my little donuts, I am pretty much guilty of 8 out of 10 of these things, and though I know the answers and what to expect, I still can't help but get angry. Typical girl right here. Can't live with them, can't live without them, ammiright? 

Anyone else have anything to add to this list? 

See ya lata, Alligatas!

-A