It's Too Late to Apologize

Oh, Hera. It's one of those days. I stayed out late drinking and dancing with some of my best friends last night and I'm definitely paying for it today. Not in the hungover way one might think, but in a I'm-so-damn-sleepy-and-exhausted way. The weather outside isn't helping matters either - it's cold, dark and rainy. Otherwise known as "perfect couch and movie-watching/napping" weather. I'm even wearing a sweatshirt to work, if that's any indication of how tired I am. Bad Alexis... Baaaad Alexis.

Anyway, I'm in the mood to write. Write about what, I don't know. A little of this, a little of that - bear with me. 

Source:  lawsofmodernman.tumblr.com

Let's talk about apologies to start with, because I've been receiving a couple heartfelt ones this morning. Saying "I'm sorry" is hard for some people (e.g. my father) and accepting apologies is no easy task either. I truly appreciate people that know when to apologize, and do so with great emotion and depth. There's nothing like an honest, well-timed, heartfelt apology. I'm going to be honest here: I get mad at my boyfriend a great deal because of how he apologizes. He spits out I'm sorry's like they're nothing, so I don't place any value in them when he does. Therefore, I never think he's really sorry for his actions/words. His timing isn't great either. But he's learning and trying (and I do know he's sorry, as stubborn as I may be sometimes), and that's what counts, right? 

A few months ago, I reached out and apologized to a couple people that I felt I had wronged in the past, but never took responsibility for my actions. One apology was easy because it was towards someone I truly care about and wish the best for. The other wasn't as easy, for multiple reasons. I wrote it down, in hopes that my passion for words would let my feelings come out better, but I ended up changing it around twenty times, saving it in a folder and forgetting about it. When the urge to apologize arose again, I found the letter, revised it and pushed the "send" button. I got a response back that included some surprise, acceptance... and a hint of indifference. And that was that. 

I'm pretty sure that said person showed it around to friends, laughed at it, talked behind my back, etc. But what can I do about that? I reached out and extended an honest-to-goodness apology; I'll be honest, I might have been wishing for a little bit of reconciliation too, but I know that's asking a lot. As I've learned over the years, sometimes you have to be the bigger person, accept apologies that you may not want to accept and move on. And what about apologies you never receive? I've gone through my whole life waiting for some that I know I will never, ever get. And I'm okay with that. Sometimes you just have to be. 

The point of the matter is, don't apologize just to apologize. Don't say I'm sorry just to make the hard stuff, the fights, the anger go away. Don't make it a common phrase in your vocabulary - actually mean it. Every word of it. Be truthful and honest. Take some time to think about why you're apologizing and use it to better yourself for the future. Learn from it. And for goodness sake, please just DO it. Life is too short, and you may never know just how much it means to someone and what it could do for them. You may be as stubborn as they come, but sometimes, you just have to look past that and sacrifice a little sliver of pride. 

That turned into something a bit longer than I thought it would initially. I also ate two mini Reese's eggs during the process. I don't regret it; it couldn't be helped. Although I have an apple sitting next to my keyboard, another egg might be in order. Hey, I am going to the gym after work anyway. 

...Eh. I went for the apple. Good, healthy, responsible, desperately wants to be skinnier, Alexis. That's all I've got, folks. 

Hooray for it almost being Friday!

- A