"Spare Some Change?"

I've had a realization. 

I just looked through all my blog posts and noticed that I've strayed from what this blog was really supposed to be for. I started it because I wanted, no, needed a place to write down my thoughts and feelings. It wasn't supposed to be one of those blogs with a million fans, nor was it supposed to become a superficial, personal biography. I appreciate having readers, don't get me wrong, but I truly want this to be for me and no one else. WILW, link ups and awards are fun and a nice little break from the deepness of my soul, but I don't want this blog to focus around that stuff. And I lost sight of that. 

Read my first few blog posts, then travel to my two most recent. They're absurdly different, sounding like two different writers in two different worlds. I want to write, express myself, hate on things, share my deepest feelings and talk about my inner-most fears/heartbreaks/desires. Not post about what I love each Wednesday (which are usually things that I love every Wednesday). So, from now on, I'm going back to the writer I was in the beginning and not the blogger that I was turning into. I may even delete some of those posts - who knows. 

All of this ties into the topic that I wanted to talk about today: change. 

Change is one of the most consistent states in the world, in our lives and in our entire existence. For fear of sounding too much like a philosopher, I'll skip the way change influences the world as a whole; we all know about global warming and all that jazz. As a society, however, we change a lot. Today everything is fast, accessible and technology-related. I long for the simpler days of my childhood when kids played outside, phones and email weren't everything, and TV shows weren't all about becoming "famous." Each and every day, I truly think how awful and sensitive our society and culture has become. It's disheartening, to say the least. 

Shoot. I was rambling. Moving on, change is an ever-evolving entity. Things change us - events, people, behaviors, actions - and we change ourselves. Then something else may change in a different fashion. But change is hard. It's scary. And in some instances, it's damn-near impossible. 

For example, if you've been reading my blog since the beginning, you've read that I've wanted to make some pretty big changes in my life: stop worrying, let go of the past, be a better friend/girlfriend, lighten up on my body and stop being so self-conscious, etc. But changing some of those inborn traits and feelings hasn't been easy, let alone successful. It's a constant struggle between good days and bad days; good days of feeling strong, confident, worry-less and positive. Bad days filled with doubts, anxiety and negativity. For every change I think I make, there's the feeling like I've taken ten steps in the opposite direction and out the door. 

I've had some pretty big changes in my friend life in the past year or so, too, some of which was out of my control. A tight-knit group of friends that I've been close with for about 10 years or so disbanded and turned into a cliquey, drama-filled shell of what it used to be. But with change often comes reflection. I realized that a lot of the relationships I valued weren't what I thought they were. People turned their backs on me, while others stayed by my side. Thankfully, that change led me to spend less time with dramatic people and more time with genuine people.  

And what about changing others? I'll admit, I'm that girl that tries to change little things about her boyfriend. Nothing drastic, per say, but how he argues with me, how defensive he gets, picking up things around the house, how he acts around others, etc. Over the time we've been together, he's definitely changed in a few positive ways. But I always find myself focusing on what he hasn't changed and why he hasn't changed what I asked. I'm a monster, I know. One of my favorite episodes of South Park includes this quote, "It is already completely forgotten that I have given it change. It just wants more change." It reminds me of myself. I always want more. I need to start reminding myself that change is hard, and even I haven't changed things that I've been wanting to and trying to for a while now. As my mom always tells me, "you can't change people. they have to want to change. they have to want to work at it and put the effort in." I can push with all my might to get him to change, but if he doesn't deem it worthy enough to work at it, then it'll never happen. Will I be able to accept it if he doesn't change? 

In closing, I'll personally say that I'm a fair-weather fan of change. I like trying new things, but I also want to live in the area I grew up in because it's familiar to me and know it like the back of my hand, and I want to go to the same restaurant because it's a tried-and-true favorite. Change doesn't feel the same way as I do; it likes to rear it's sometimes-ugly head to always keep us on our toes. People get fired, relationships fall apart, friends grow apart, stores close and people leave us or move. I want to change things about myself, but it's an internal battle that I often lose. I want to change others, but I don't have that control. I want to change situations, but that's all up to fate. 

Change is brutal, but it can also be a beautiful thing.


- A