The End of an Era

Yesterday, the dreaded Monday, was all about coming down from the high of a pretty rocking, amazing weekend. A weekend spent enjoying the outdoors in some glorious 70-degree weather. A weekend filled with softball and friends. 

Oh. And not to mention, a weekend where I signed for my new apartment. I'm a tad bit anxious to start moving in (i.e. decorating) and I've already started packing. Three weeks early is okay, right? 

And now, with my feet firmly on the ground and my head no longer in awesome-weekend-mode, the Tuesday's are in full force. I'm just kinda blah today. Ah well.  

So, let's just jump right into today's topic, if you don't mind. 

After being in a serious relationship for the past 2.5 years, I'm experiencing the freedom of being single again. That infectious, yet oddly unsatisfying taste in my mouth that makes me want to spin in happy circles yet curl up in a ball and repeatedly call myself a failure. 

Confused? Me too. To be honest, I'm finding it difficult to stomach the fact that the love I had is over. To spend a tremendous amount of time with one person, hoping to stay that way forever only to have it come crashing down around you, is nauseating. We were a family and the "next step" was quietly looming over our lives. 

But then life happens and the roof collapses on you. You think you're going to marry someone, start a life together and end up happily ever after, and then poof. It's over. And you're back at square one.

That's when all the nasty, mean, belittling thoughts start creeping in. 

You become paranoid that no one will ever love you. In fact, you become absolutely terrified that you just walked away from that person and no one will ever love you that way again. 

You deem yourself a lost cause, a failure, unlovable. You ponder how much time was spent on a relationship that ended in a big, fat nothing. Sure, you learned a lot in the process, but in the end, you're still alone. 

You start thinking about your age - you're about to turn 25 - and how a lot of your friends are already engaged. Or even married! And now you're single and have to start the process all over again. More years to put towards a fresh relationship, more time spent finding that right person, when it's not even a guarantee that it will happen! 

That could have been you, the tiny voice will call out from the crevices of your mind. You could be getting engaged, you could be getting the ring, you could finally be settling down with Mr. Right. 

That nagging voice eggs your fears on in the worst way.

My fears. 

It's hard not to think of the possibilities. It's hard not to wonder if you're making the right choice, if you're fucking up your future, if you're letting go of the one person who will ever love you or be able to put up with you. 

I can't even tell you how many times people have said, after my revealing that we had broken up, "Oh, I thought you guys were going to get married!" Because that definitely helps. No, actually, it just pulls a little bit harder at the heartstrings and just makes that voice ever-so-slightly louder.

In conclusion, please believe me when I say that I am fine with the decision I've made. It's in the best interest for everyone involved. It's what I need, it's what (I think) he needed. I'm happier than ever before. But all of that doesn't mean I don't have a fair amount of doubts or worries. That doesn't mean that I'm not having a hard time when I think about the future. And that certainly doesn't mean that I can't be scared as all hell. 

But, as scared as I may be, I also know I'm going to be okay. Even if I have a hard time admitting it. When the time comes, I will find that person; however, I'll be fine on my own until fate decides to step up. 

I will find my happy ending. Even if it's with myself. 


- A