Accepted Defeat

If I don't write this post, I'm pretty sure my head, and/or heart, will explode. I have that I'm-about-to-cry lump in the back of my throat and the stinging feeling of tears hiding behind my eyes. I'm trying to use any ounce of positivity left in my body to push my feelings deep down inside my gut, but as much as I try, it's just not really working. 

Before I go on, I want to admit that what I'm going through is not the worst that could happen. I didn't get fired, nor did I quit. Sometimes, however, the smallest of things can actually make you feel more horrible about yourself than the big things. 

Last week, there was a big change made on my work team. That big change resulted in waves of change reaching out their little fingers and embracing a number of us. Though it hasn't been confirmed officially yet, I will be one of those whose job will be changing. 

To say it's not what I was expecting would be an understatement. 

I know I've mentioned previously that I took over my magazine and became the interim editor while my boss was out on leave. In my head, I envisioned her returning, seeing all my hard work and dedication, and an upgraded position would follow. Well, that all happened to an extent. My boss returned, the big change happened the same day and a job change has (potentially) followed. 

But I'm left feeling totally defeated and like I'm not good enough. All my hard work has been for nothing. 

If everything happens the way it sounds like it's going to, I will be moving to a completely different magazine than the one I've dedicated 2+ years to, not to mention handled entirely by myself for the past 3 months. The defeated part comes from the fact that they're hiring someone brand new to take over the magazine. Someone that doesn't have any experience with it or the connections and contacts that I do. Someone that doesn't know the ins-and-outs of the industry or the magazine itself. An outsider. 

Because I'm not good enough to do it. 

Apparently, this new role that I will be taking will be the next step for me to become an editor. This new role will afford me all the necessary characteristics needed in order for me to gain that coveted position. Even though I've ran the magazine by myself, as an editor, for the past three months. And apparently, I need more writing experience, which I'll gain with this other magazine. 

If I sound ungrateful for this slight promotion, please believe me when I say I don't mean to. It's a great opportunity on a growing, and very successful, magazine. But it's not MY magazine. It's not what I wanted or envisioned, and it's definitely NOT what I've been working for. 

It's just... I truly love what I do right now and I am totally, completely in love with my brands. And it's all being taken from me and put in the hands of a stranger. 

Because I'm not good enough. 

I know that the universe has a plan and fate handles all, but this sucks. 

It really, really sucks. 

- A