Movie Theater Popcorn is My Heaven

If you know me at all, you know that I have a true love in my life.

A true love so strong, so passionate, that it makes me happy, sad, angry and scared. It satisfies my hungers, makes time seem obsolete and takes my hard-earned money without a complaint from me. I want it on the weekends, the weeknights, mornings and afternoons - even at midnight - and regardless of weather. The smells of my love haunt me, envelope me, making my mouth water and my hunger quiver for gratification. 

That true love I so lovingly talk about? The movie theater. The magical place where I wouldn't mind spending an entire day lost in the scenes of different movies, while being held by comfy reclining chairs and munching on delicious, buttery popcorn. (Seriously - once I smell popcorn, I have to have it. It's a problem)

But some people don't respect that love of mine. 

As a committed moviegoer who has always treasured the atmosphere of a movie theater, I'm starting to find myself anticipating a poor experience - sitting and profiling each person who walks into the theater of their yet-to-be committed acts. 

This post is dedicated to those people and those acts. It's time for some Movie Theater Etiquette Lessons! 

#1. No talking. Seriously. There's a reason that there's a message before every movie that specifically addresses this. It's because it's annoying as HELL to all the other movie-goers. I don't understand why people feel the need to yell at the screen, or just out loud  or talk about what's happening. You are seriously obnoxious, you inconsiderate assholes. Please explain why people can't grasp this concept - I don't understand it. Shut your flapping traps, Jack. 

#2. No texting. If you can't manage to be separated from your precious phone for two hours, then don't go see a movie. And please, while you're at it, get a life. Do you not realize that you're screen is SUPER bright in the dark theater? And everyone behind you or to the side of you are blinded as well? It's not fun; really, it's not. So if you desperately need to answer that text or that phone call, or Hera help me, go on Facebook, do us ALL a favor and just LEAVE. And don't let the door hit you on the way out. 

#3. Catching some zzz's. If you're so tired that you fall asleep while cute little minions are running across the screen, then walk yourself out of the theater and into your car for a nap. While seeing Despicable Me 2, I had the old man next to me fall asleep and snore throughout the entire movie. It was awful. I don't care if you're a quiet sleeper (keep telling yourself that), you need to excuse yourself. Theater seats aren't your bed. Good night and good riddance.

#4. Zoo animals. If you aren't able to eat quietly and respectively, then get yo' butt out of the theater and check yourself into the zoo immediately. I hate when I'm trying to enjoy a movie and I have to listen to people rustling around for food, chomping on candies or slurping through straws. Maybe you should have opened that noisy box of plastic-wrapped candy before the movie started, hm? Maybe you should go get a refill instead of sitting and sucking down every last morsel of your nasty drank? Control yourselves, you mangy mutts. 

#5. Offspring. Hey there, ma'am. Is there a reason you're bringing your 5-year-old child to an R-rated movie at 9 pm? Oh, he wanted to see people's heads get shot off? He likes sex scenes? Well, excuse me. Go right ahead and let him enjoy. WRONG. I despise seeing young children in too mature, inappropriate movies. Or at movies way past their bedtime. This is exactly what's wrong with kids today. Call a damn babysitter. 

I don't understand why people continually treat my true love like... just another gathering place. It deserves respect, as do the other people in the theater who like, and paid, to enjoy it. Don't talk, put your phone away (it will still be there when you're done, I promise!) and eat your delicious popcorn quietly. 

We'll all get along much better if everyone can just follow these simple rules. Truly. 


Stay respectful, friends! 

- A