Follow the North Star

Does anyone have an extra map? Or a compass? (Which is funny since the name of this blog is "Following the Compass.") But seriously, folks, I'm lost. 

On Monday, I was feeling more lost than I ever have in my entire life. That might have be an exaggeration, but when you're doing everything you can to not cry at your desk, give up all hope or eat your feelings, you're allowed to exaggerate a little bit. Or at least that's what I told myself. 

Now that it's Friday and my emotions have cooled their jets a little bit, I'm not feeling as lost as I was. The feeling has been a recent occurrence throughout multiple aspects of my life -- that being broken down into my relationship, my friends and my job -- all adding up to the confusion that is my future. I'm not entirely sure about what I want anymore, and that, with how things have been going lately, attribute to a very lost little puppy. 

Have I said "lost" enough for you? I'll say it one more time: lost. 

As of lately, my relationship has been in a serious rough patch. Think Sour Patch land without the sweet side. There is no denying that. But I've been thinking that this might be common for longer relationships that reach a certain milestone. Or maybe it's the world trying to tell me something? Or it could possible be exactly what I called it - a rough patch. A small patch of time in a rather long and typically happy relationship. Every relationship has them, am I right? (If you say no, you're a liar, and I won't believe your fairy tale story) 

I don't like what time, comfort and proximity has done to us. Those three little devils have each damned my relationship in their own way. Time because, well, the longer you're with someone, the lazier things tend to get. Comfort leads to complacency, which leads to a lack of effort. Proximity because living together, seeing each other every single day, creates new issues and takes away the mystery. 

It's just sad. All I want is to go back to the beginning, where the love was strong, the passion was fierce and we were both over-the-moon happy. This misery-ridden path of sadness and doom isn't making for a happy relationship, which makes fixing it that much harder. However, that's what we're working on: fixing it. Place some tape over the ripped seams, punch a couple staples through the tears and stitch it back to normal. Together. 

We'll see what happens, I guess. 

My job is another story. I don't really like talking about anything career-related on here, but I want to address something a little more broad than just day-to-day details of my current job. I want nothing more in life than to be a sports broadcaster. Sitting at the desk on SportsCenter each day and relating the top sports stories to the world is my dream. Even interviewing players on the side lines like Erin Andrews is a dream. However, they seem unattainable and impossible, and tremendously out of grasp. Rare job openings and a tough recruitment process lead to a very small percentage of new hires. Thus, my dream has slowly diminished. Call it realism. Call it giving up. But it's become a wish that I daydream about, then quickly sweep under the rug for fear of acknowledging the fact that it just isn't going to happen. 

That's where the lost feeling comes in: the hard-hitting realization that my dream is nothing but that. A dream. 

Moving on to the friends front, I'd like to start by saying that I have some wonderful, amazing, funny, loyal, smart, incredible people in my life. Some of the best, I believe. However, I wish for more. 

I have a small group of best friends whom I trust with my life and everything involved with it (However, let it be known that I do still have trust issues, even with the people closest to me). Then I have some close friends, then good friends, then friends and finally, acquaintances. I just wish I had more girlfriends in that best friend category. 

After graduating college, I thought that my roommates and friends would be my soulmates, best friends and future bridesmaids. Typical girly feelings, you know? However, those devils "proximity" and "time" cast their spell again. Friends moved away, making reunions a rarity and lives are lived with new friends in new areas. And time has proven to create nothing but distance between us. Plus, a general lack of effort is to blame.  

Luckily, I've reestablished some friendships with girls from high school, but, as close as we are, we still have other best friends from college and work who we're closer with. In conclusion, I'd just like to meet some new people, some new friends. Keep the old and meet some new. 

I'm sorry for rambling. It's just hard feeling lost when, at one point, you thought you had it all figured out. But, as lost as I may be (is anyone counting how many times I've said lost? I need a thesaurus), I'm still happy and grateful for what I have: a boyfriend who's taking the time and effort to try and work through things, a job that I love and that's wonderful for me, and friends who love me and stand by my side. 

I'm a Positive Pearl every now and then. It's rare so cherish it. Or maybe it's because it's Friday and everything seems better on Friday. 

Either one. 

Over and out, my little fishsticks. Enjoy your weekend! 

- A