Being Afraid

I must admit, it looks like I've joined the ranks of the "Disappearing Blogger Club." Some of my most favorite blogger ladies have gone MIA as of late, and it seems that I've become a comrade. 

I can't help it though. My life has been a tornado of change and, rather than sitting down and documenting it in front of a computer screen, I've thrust myself into the action to experience every second. Also, it's a well-known fact that change brings busy. 

But busy doesn't always mask the brain's incessant noise. 

Recently, I've noticed that the last few months of my life have all held a prominent theme to them: conquering fears. Whether it be the actual act of overcoming said fear or realizing that I need to in order to move on, the theme is present and kicking me in the teeth with each passing opportunity. 

For starters, it's important to note that, while addressing the need to overcome a fear, one must first recognize the fear itself. And that's scary in its own right. Coming to the conclusion that something terrifies you brings it to light; admitting it out loud or to yourself unleashes its power to affect you. The monsters come out of the closet, and your skin falls away in sheets, leaving you vulnerable and open. It's a paralyzing sensation. 

"This scares me. I'm terrified; haunted; fearful. Afraid."

But having the wherewithal to understand that the fear must be overcome in order to become the person you need to be is empowering. It's that moment when you realize that the fear is holding you back, hurting you, or causing unnecessary damage to something with no cracks. That's the moment when you take back control. 

"I won't let this dominate me."

It won't be easy. It hasn't been easy. And it's still not easy, regardless of what stage you're at. Conquering fears takes that vulnerability you initially felt when you said, "I'm scared" and amplifies it by ten. You have to teach yourself how to trust; how to feel; how to let go; and how to move on. It's giving the fear the power to hurt you and trusting it not to. It's understanding that things might not go as planned, but you'll be okay. 

"I can do this."

This is something I've been working on a lot lately. And, I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the best at it. I tend to let my fears eat away at me, and I have a hard time getting over things. But I also know that this path isn't beneficial for me anymore. I can't be scared of what lingers in the past, in the back of my mind, or outside the window. The questions that sprout from the doubts and the fear, weaving themselves through my brain, need to be quieted. With pointed diligence, I need to learn to push them aside and stifle them into submission. 

There will be no more "what if's" here. 


- A